Emotional Roller Coaster
the end of March 2010 and the start of April 2010 has been a really emotional period for me.
in the 2nd last week of march, my maternal grandma was hospitalised for water retention. her body cells have stopped functioning to expel the water from her body, she was still conscious when i first visited her on 27 March 2010. i subsequently visited her on 29 March 2010 where her condition was critical and she was unconscious, but could tell that her body was in pain and discomfort. went home for that night to receive a phone call slightly after midnight, and i could guess what it was about without having to be told later that my parents are rushing down to the hospital.
30 March 2010 was the first day of the wake hosted at my 2nd uncle's place in boon keng area. my family did not go down that night because my mum was tired and we did not take leave. 31 March 2010 was the first night we were there, even though my mum was sick. my mum had specifically told us that she doesn't want us there alone when our friends come visit the wake, it is better for her to be around. so i have told my CG not to come that night, but my brother told them it was ok because he will be there. so i had to inform my mum and brought her down via cab to the wake. even all my uncles and aunts reprimanded me for not bringing my mum back when she's sick. rushed back after the people left via cab, angered and frustrated.
1 April 2010 was a hard day at work, with everyone laughing and joking about april's fool while i had to hide my emotional baggage, because i do not want my HOD to know it and coerce me to take compassionate leave since she is such a family person. i want to discharge my responsibilities to my students, just as i hope they will not be distracted by things in life, i too will set an example by not being swayed. got to rest on that night because my mum was also tired and my brother had some stuff to settle so he was too busy to go down. i am also thankful for a heartfelt chat with a sister who had some questions to consult me, and she reminded me that my close friends would want to know about this big issue that has happened in my life and be able to show their concern. so i finally composed myself and plucked up the courage to send out an sms to my close friends regarding the issue. i slept really late around 2 am.
2 April 2010 was Good Friday, but i did not spend it with my CG since i had to be at the wake with my family from noon onwards. i was glad for the sms sent because the support from my close friends at the wake really encouraged me. their concern for this part of my life which they seldom hear me mention, really touched me. from this i know i am deeply loved. that night was the first night i kept vigil for my grandma too. came back to sleep around 7 am.
3 April 2010 i was able to recover from the vigil and woke at 5 pm went down with my parents to the wake and it was a good time spent, also with the time to catch up with some really old friends whom i have not met in a while. really blessed by the time spent and it really took my mind off the unhappy things. the most fruitful time being spent with claramae where i learnt many things about our views on education as a career and ministry in church. this night was the 2nd night of vigil and also the last, it was also the worst night in 2010 so far.
had a bad quarrel with my brother and i was totally disillusioned and just kept to myself and focused on providing support for my mum. while he kept to himself. the day was droning on buddhist chantings as my grandma and uncles were staunch buddhists. and at the point where they were at the temple to install the tablet of my grandma, i declined to enter knowing everything there would be religious and spiritual in nature. it was hard to distinguish between the things which represented filial piety and the spiritual, but i kept my heart as one paying respects. if i have sinned in anyway i repent then and now for the transgressions in my ignorance.
the most emotional part of the day was surprisingly not to do with my grandma's departure in anyway, but the sudden and one-tracked desire of my dad to locate my paternal grandparents' urns which were kept in that same columbarium of the temple in toa payoh. he had only vaguely remembered 4 digits that were given to him years ago by our relatives whom he has cut most contact with, even refusing for over a decade to visit my grandparents' urns during qing ming. but this day he was so bent on finding them with only that unclear 4 digits he was mumbling. my heart went out for him as he search the columns like a young lost child. i stepped in somehow and listened to the mumbled digits and i believe God quickened my understanding of what the digits meant and i systematically found the location of the urns. tears of compassion welled up in my eyes as i see my dad reaching out his rough hands and gently touching the plates which bored my grandparents' photos and their names, he was mumbling with a trembling voice saying that he has found it, it is really the urns of his father whom he had blamed and hated all his life. God had allowed me to see decades of blamed and hatred dissolve in that instant when my dad saw those photos and confirmed those names. God was telling me loud and clear that what hatred in a family should last such that it will remain unresolved in death? i knew i was to forgive and i am learning how to forgive. and as i pen this down, i want to etch this scene into my memory and let it be an unending well of compassion for my dad which God had graciously brought into my life.
God, teach me to love and forgive as only You alone can, in Your amazing love and grace. Amen.
With tears, recorded at 0212 on 6 April 2010.
Well things have finally taken a better turn as the tension between me and my brother was finally settled tonight, after he finally opened up communication again after 2 days and we had a long talk which pointed out many areas which i really lack in, the love for my physical family and patience towards my brother. it is a season of growing for me.
in the 2nd last week of march, my maternal grandma was hospitalised for water retention. her body cells have stopped functioning to expel the water from her body, she was still conscious when i first visited her on 27 March 2010. i subsequently visited her on 29 March 2010 where her condition was critical and she was unconscious, but could tell that her body was in pain and discomfort. went home for that night to receive a phone call slightly after midnight, and i could guess what it was about without having to be told later that my parents are rushing down to the hospital.
30 March 2010 was the first day of the wake hosted at my 2nd uncle's place in boon keng area. my family did not go down that night because my mum was tired and we did not take leave. 31 March 2010 was the first night we were there, even though my mum was sick. my mum had specifically told us that she doesn't want us there alone when our friends come visit the wake, it is better for her to be around. so i have told my CG not to come that night, but my brother told them it was ok because he will be there. so i had to inform my mum and brought her down via cab to the wake. even all my uncles and aunts reprimanded me for not bringing my mum back when she's sick. rushed back after the people left via cab, angered and frustrated.
1 April 2010 was a hard day at work, with everyone laughing and joking about april's fool while i had to hide my emotional baggage, because i do not want my HOD to know it and coerce me to take compassionate leave since she is such a family person. i want to discharge my responsibilities to my students, just as i hope they will not be distracted by things in life, i too will set an example by not being swayed. got to rest on that night because my mum was also tired and my brother had some stuff to settle so he was too busy to go down. i am also thankful for a heartfelt chat with a sister who had some questions to consult me, and she reminded me that my close friends would want to know about this big issue that has happened in my life and be able to show their concern. so i finally composed myself and plucked up the courage to send out an sms to my close friends regarding the issue. i slept really late around 2 am.
2 April 2010 was Good Friday, but i did not spend it with my CG since i had to be at the wake with my family from noon onwards. i was glad for the sms sent because the support from my close friends at the wake really encouraged me. their concern for this part of my life which they seldom hear me mention, really touched me. from this i know i am deeply loved. that night was the first night i kept vigil for my grandma too. came back to sleep around 7 am.
3 April 2010 i was able to recover from the vigil and woke at 5 pm went down with my parents to the wake and it was a good time spent, also with the time to catch up with some really old friends whom i have not met in a while. really blessed by the time spent and it really took my mind off the unhappy things. the most fruitful time being spent with claramae where i learnt many things about our views on education as a career and ministry in church. this night was the 2nd night of vigil and also the last, it was also the worst night in 2010 so far.
had a bad quarrel with my brother and i was totally disillusioned and just kept to myself and focused on providing support for my mum. while he kept to himself. the day was droning on buddhist chantings as my grandma and uncles were staunch buddhists. and at the point where they were at the temple to install the tablet of my grandma, i declined to enter knowing everything there would be religious and spiritual in nature. it was hard to distinguish between the things which represented filial piety and the spiritual, but i kept my heart as one paying respects. if i have sinned in anyway i repent then and now for the transgressions in my ignorance.
the most emotional part of the day was surprisingly not to do with my grandma's departure in anyway, but the sudden and one-tracked desire of my dad to locate my paternal grandparents' urns which were kept in that same columbarium of the temple in toa payoh. he had only vaguely remembered 4 digits that were given to him years ago by our relatives whom he has cut most contact with, even refusing for over a decade to visit my grandparents' urns during qing ming. but this day he was so bent on finding them with only that unclear 4 digits he was mumbling. my heart went out for him as he search the columns like a young lost child. i stepped in somehow and listened to the mumbled digits and i believe God quickened my understanding of what the digits meant and i systematically found the location of the urns. tears of compassion welled up in my eyes as i see my dad reaching out his rough hands and gently touching the plates which bored my grandparents' photos and their names, he was mumbling with a trembling voice saying that he has found it, it is really the urns of his father whom he had blamed and hated all his life. God had allowed me to see decades of blamed and hatred dissolve in that instant when my dad saw those photos and confirmed those names. God was telling me loud and clear that what hatred in a family should last such that it will remain unresolved in death? i knew i was to forgive and i am learning how to forgive. and as i pen this down, i want to etch this scene into my memory and let it be an unending well of compassion for my dad which God had graciously brought into my life.
God, teach me to love and forgive as only You alone can, in Your amazing love and grace. Amen.
With tears, recorded at 0212 on 6 April 2010.
Well things have finally taken a better turn as the tension between me and my brother was finally settled tonight, after he finally opened up communication again after 2 days and we had a long talk which pointed out many areas which i really lack in, the love for my physical family and patience towards my brother. it is a season of growing for me.
1 Comments:
At Mon Apr 12, 01:55:00 PM GMT+8,
yeu@nn said…
Dear Kim Chun! *hugs* :)
Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Thanks for ur sharing... I was wondering how you were feeling - had msged you to ask, but didn't hear from you. (It's ok :)). Sorry for those times that I msged u the msgs abt Good Friday CG w/o remembering tt you had to be with ur family... I was very busy on my own side... :\
Am encouraged by how you have been seeing God's grace in your life, AND your family's life... your brother coming to faith in Christ, your father's heart being strangely turned to seek his parents' urns...
Remember that prophetic prayer which I prayed for you at the beginning of this year, and how you said tt it was very timely? :D Perhaps all these series of events is how God is slowly humbling you... not in the way that one might expect as in being scolded or disciplined harshly...
But instead, God has chosen to humble you by teaching you through other people how much He loves you so much no matter how weak you may feel (remember Ps Jo's sermon that God always likes to work through PEOPLE? :))... that you cannot stand strong on your own, but He is always there to hug you, strengthen you, carry you and just be with you... through His presence and through His people.
That, through all this, your heart is feeling His warmth, and slowly melting into a warm gentleness. :) His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine, softer than a sigh.
Dear bro, just really want to encourage you with this wonderful passage of God's love through this emotional rollercoaster: Romans 8:31-39.
May you continue to be humble to allow Him to love you even more (through people)... and may He continue to mould and teach you to be a strong, and yet humble, brother. =D God's love is always with you, bro! :) Continue to be strong in His love, brother!
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